Not Why the Addiction: Internal Family Systems and Psychedelics

“Not why the addiction, but why the pain.” This quote from Dr. Gabor Maté moved me early in my recovery, shifting me away from the 12-step perspective that my addiction was a brain disease and toward a trauma-based explanation. As I moved toward a trauma-focused solution, I discovered therapy, meditation, and other tools to help regulate what was, at the time, a very dysregulated nervous system. This path led me to spiritual teachers, including Dr. Maté himself, who spoke about how psychedelics can be a life-altering experience when navigating the trauma of one's life. As an admirer of his work and his compassion toward those who struggle with addiction, I became convinced that I needed to include psychedelics in my healing journey.

The one significant roadblock that stood between me and psychedelics was the law. I had no idea where to start looking for these substances or whom I could trust. It took time, but I eventually found a place where I felt I could safely obtain my first dose of psilocybin, also known as "magic mushrooms." Having never taken a major dose of psychedelics before, I did enough research through social media and articles to know I should start between one and two grams.

I did it alone the first time. At the onset, I began to feel panic, to the point where I almost felt I should call 9-1-1. I realized that wouldn't end well and pushed through the anxiety. Once I moved past that, the experience left me understanding aspects of my life I had never understood before, including memories of a childhood bully I hadn't thought of in years. About three hours into the experience, I felt an immense surge of love, which was something I had never truly felt before. It was beautiful to feel that good inside, and I wanted to share it with everyone. Eventually, the experience faded, and the next day I was left wondering what to do next. Luckily, I knew enough to integrate the experience with a therapist and others in the community.

I wish I could say that was the beginning of a seamless relationship with psychedelics. However, later that year, I decided to take what is called a "hero’s dose," which is five grams of mushrooms. A dose of that magnitude is enough to push your mind to the brink of what it perceives as death. These substances can replicate near-death experiences where you lose your total sense of identity, your "I" or ego. For those new to psychedelics, this can be a terrifying ordeal. That experience did not bode well for me; my own lack of experience, combined with an inexperienced trip sitter, left me feeling severely anxious with no one to turn to for grounding or reassurance. I made it through, but a couple of days later, I began having panic attacks and questioning the very nature of existence and reality.

This experience led me to finally start working with an Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist. IFS was vital for me because it provided stability. It taught me that if I wasn't feeling harmonious, it was likely because a part of me was in distress. That idea gave me solace, knowing that the distress wasn't "me," but rather a part of me. The ultimate "I," which IFS calls the Self (referred to as the soul or Buddha-nature in other traditions), is who I truly am. This idea that we are all made up of parts and possess a core Self resonated deeply. It has helped me make significant strides in healing from addiction and other challenges.

Twenty-two months later, I decided to try psychedelics again. This time, I chose a safer route with a substance known for fostering love without intense hallucinations: MDMA. In IFS terms, MDMA is a compound that allows your "Protector" parts to relax and helps you get in touch with your true Self, the seat of compassion and curiosity. Using this substance for my healing has changed my life for the better. It has been three and a half years since I started working with MDMA, and my journey continues as I resolve lifelong pain. It is not a "one-and-done" experience, nor is it something one takes daily like over-the-counter medicine. This context has helped me value the gravity of these journeys.

With the understanding of IFS and the aid of psychedelics, I see hope for myself and others who struggle with addiction. The pain underlying the roots of addiction can be safely navigated with the help of these substances. Through my upcoming training with TheraPsil, a leader in training psychedelic practitioners, I hope to guide others toward their own healing by combining IFS and psychedelics to bring harmony to their lives.

People deserve help. My hope is that society can embrace psychedelics and IFS as legitimate means of healing. C-PTSD, or any form of PTSD, should not be a life sentence of pain. I hope to leave the world just 1% better than when I found it. If any of this resonates with you, I’d love for you to comment or get in touch.

Have a great night, everybody.